I’m going to be pretty honest. I’ve always felt like I am “thin enough.” Meaning, there is no particular reason I need to be thinner, though I could potentially be thinner. I’ve had people tell me I have “a perfect body,” because they think I have objectively ideal proportions. And it’s awkward for positive things to be hard to hear, but I’ll explain what I mean. Why it’s hard for me to hear that from anyone. Now, my body is very resilient. I know most people can’t eat like I do and look like I do. Truthfully, I like running. I like the focus is requires, I like the satisfaction it can bring, I like how good it feels to stop after 3 or 4 miles or on the very rare occasion 7 or 8 miles. I makes me feel healthy, but deep down I know I don’t run because I like to feel healthy. I run out of fear for my appearance more than I run out of desiring to feel strong. I run to stop feeling guilty. I may not have to try as hard, but I still have to try. I feel guilty because I know there are girls who wish they had my body. But I’m not happy with it. I don’t think, “yeah, my body is pretty perfect!” I wish I could. I wish I loved my body as much as I say I do. I wish I could really grasp that it doesn’t matter because personality is what makes us truly lovely. Fortunately and unfortunately, these thoughts are all about me. I have much tinier friends I think are beautiful, I have friends who are bigger than me who I think are beautiful. I wish I didn’t have to be like anyone else and I could just be me and I could accept the way I look the same way I accept the way others look. But the first step is knowing and acknowledging this, and the second step is trying.
I don’t need positive affirmation from others, that’s not going to make me love myself.